Living the lie of being gay
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There is no single agreed origin for this term, some think it’s an evolution of ‘twank’, which was 1920s British slang for a client of gay male prostitutes (incidentally – what a great word!). But in brief, intersex people are born with physical, genetic, hormonal, or chromosomal traits that don’t fit typical male or female categories.
Will my current partner feel betrayed?Is everyone going to think I’m lying? You could say it’s a kind of short-hand, and simply quicker to type than all the specific identities that fall under it, or you could argue that it’s a more open and inclusive term. Maybe you were married for 20 years but feel like a teenager again as you prepare for your first date with another man.
Holding yourself back from identifying with the LGBTQ+ community can also make you feel disconnected from yourself. It’s a way of saying: I exist outside the tidy labels you might expect. An intersex person might identify as male, female, non-binary, or trans, or none of these, some intersex people want to be part of the queer community and others don’t, so try not to make any assumptions.
Historically, many intersex people have faced unnecessary medical interventions as children, often without their consent, to make their bodies conform to binary expectations.
There was no way I was gay.
Growing up under Section 28 meant that there were no 'out' teachers at school, and organisations like Diversity Role Models (DRM) didn't seem to exist. Bisexuals were often dismissed, told to 'pick a side.'
Now, younger generations embrace a looser, more creative spectrum.
Do Ask, Do Tell is your guide to the dazzling spectrum of queer life, answering the questions you’ve always wanted to ask, but maybe didn’t know how. Intersex is about physical traits; trans is about gender identity.
I tried to pretend to be like the other girls, but that didn't really feel good, I became far more interested in writing and making theatre than I was in boys, so I threw myself in to that instead.
Coming to terms with being gay
Finally, in my mid-20s I started working with a brilliant theatre company that just so happened to be packed to the rafters with queer women, of all ages, all very different, and suddenly things started to fall in to place for me.
This means being truthful about:
- How you feel,
- What your goals are, and
- What you want in life.
It can also mean being willing to admit when you are wrong and accepting responsibility for your actions.
Have a Support System
Fourth, it is important to have a support system of family and friends who will help you through difficult times.
You don’t have start dating before you’re ready – or ever if you don’t want to! If it feels intimidating but is something that you want to do, take some of the pressure off of it being a success – try to view it as an opportunity to learn about what you like, don’t like, and what it’s like to date in the LGBTQ+ community.
Coming out as LGBTQ+ can bring up a lot of emotions, uncertainty, and change.
Maybe you’re worried about if you should tell your date that you recently came out as asexual and how they’ll react. It often takes time to feel comfortable outwardly embracing an identity, but if it all feels too overwhelming or doesn’t get easier with some time, take a screen at mhascreening.org to see if you may be dealing with symptoms of a mental health condition.
They think they’re being completely honest with themselves and everyone else but the reality is very different.”
Talking To a Professional
It is important not to be ashamed or embarrassed about living a lie and seeking help. Some people spend years in a workplace without coming out as they fear it may affect their work life - living a lie day-to-day is both exhausting and stressful.
By tackling HBT language in schools Diversity Role Models address the ingrained negativity towards the LGBTQ+ community
By running LGBTQ+ anti-bullying workshops in schools, Diversity Role Models are a significant part of the wave of change which will hopefully see both young people and adults living in a world where it feels safer to be out and open about your sexuality or gender identity.
Because I don’t wholly identify with the gender I was assigned at birth, I consider myself trans, and I also personally feel trans opens up a vast landscape of gendered possibilities, like it offers less fixed/rigid possibilities/expectations and more movement. It’s also okay for your identities and labels to change and evolve as you do.
Dating Anxiety
Dating comes with some uncertainty and anxiety for almost everyone, but dating for the first time as an LGBTQ+ adult can be a uniquely intimidating experience.
It takes place when we have an ulterior motive to deceive ourselves about the truth for us to feel better about it.